Thursday, August 20, 2009

Free Thing of the Week: When Zombies Attack!

There are lots of ways to prove something, but I think we can all agree that the best way to prove something is through math.

This is because Numbers Don't Lie. Let's say I was to tell you that a normal person only uses .3 per cent of their brain, that the Inuit have 127 words for snow, that you only have 2.4 seconds to make a first impression, or that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. These are all lies, but the numbers themselves didn't lie. I did. So in their own way, they're facts.

6 was actually afraid of 7 because 7 killed 4's cat.

So yes. The best way to prove something is through math. And the best thing to prove, as long as you're going to be proving something, is zombies.

Hot out of Carlton University's school of mathematics and statistics is, I think we can all agree, some terrifying yet oddly exhilarating news. According to a mathematical model taking into account all manner of vectors and factors and other math words that I'm sort of afraid of, they found out that, in the upcoming zombie apocalypse, we're pretty much toast.

And here's the kicker... they even went and made the zombies slow. Just to give us a head start.

Look out strippers it is zombies.

So the future is looking bleak. I mean, yes. Those three strippers might help stem the tide of undead monsters for a little while. I can understand that the shotgun might be effective, and that chainsaw might do some damage as well. But that third stripper seems to have only a shoe.

I'd say the chances of that working are only around 17%

- Rook


  1. I think Ifi was really on the fence about going to grad school at Carleton until she say that article.

    Now that she knows that they do Important Works That Save Lives, she feels proud.

  2. I have long held that if you kill a creature that should not exist in the first place, it counts as saving a negative life.

    This is a handy policy that can be applied to zombies, but also werewolves, vampires, witches-like-from-Macbeth, witches-like-from-Harry Potter, snakes, drifters and ginger boys.